For the last time, Texas: God doesn’t care who wins your high school football games! He does put a little money down on a just few NFL games each Sunday, but that’s it! He’s still beating himself up over all the money he lost betting on Notre Dame in the early ’80s.
Yet some people STILL expect God to give a damn about which team crosses the goal line more often. Recently a group of preachy East Texas cheerleaders have been in court trying to secure their right to display huge banners with Bible quotes expressing the basic theme that “God is on OUR side.” Most of us who graduated from middle school reasoned long ago that the idea of God taking sides in human sporting events is absolutely lu-di-crous! God would typically receive compelling prayer requests for victory from both sides, and would stay neutral. However, if one team prays WAY harder than the other team, or has awesome banners, some of us seem to believe that God might just be swayed.
In an effort to help these cheerleaders make even more awesome banners and find even more compelling Bible quotes, and thereby get God to cheat—I mean intervene—on their behalf, I offer the following suggestions:
Other times you may need to send a different message to calm a rowdy crowd:
It turns out that the preachy cheerleaders claim that they take turns picking the Bible verses without any adult interference. If that’s really the case, someday we might just see one of these banners from the more mischievous members of the squad:
The Freedom from Religion Foundation (FFRF) has pointed out in an amicus brief to the court that this case is less about freedom of speech and more about school-sanctioned proselytizing.
“Cheerleading for the school is undeniably a school-sponsored activity and the banners displayed by the cheerleaders take place during a school-sponsored event.” They argue that if the girls had decided to have the players run through a pro-atheism banner, for example, the school would not allow that. If the cheerleaders were to attempt it, they would in all likelihood be run out of the state.
But was Texas judge, and Rick Perry appointee, Steve Thomas able to recognize the logic of the FFRF’s argument? Not in Texas. I’m sure it’s hard separating church and state down there, so I don’t expect any miracles when it comes to separating God/Jesus from Texas high school football.
Just imagine how Jesus, the peasant from Galilee who lived 2,000 years ago, would feel if he heard the news that his teachings were no longer allowed to be condensed to a single sentence with the sole intent of altering the outcome of the big game next Friday when the Kountze Lions take on the East Chambers Buccaneers. There’s only one Bible quote that would apply:
Jesus wept. —John 11:35
That’s the only Bible quote that came close. I searched but was unable to find a quote where Jesus says, “Verily I say unto you, ‘What is this foot-ball that you speak of, how come my mom gets a pass named after her and I get nothing, and how come we don’t have actual college football playoffs yet? It’s 2012 people! Seriously, don’t make me come down there!’”
Michael Morris is the author of Bible Funmentionables: A Lighthearted Look at the Wildest Verses You’ve NEVER Been Told!, which features all of the shocking and hilarious verses that your minister, rabbi, or charismatic cult leader is afraid to preach.