Category Archives: Proselytizing

Helloween: A Holiday for and from Proselytizers

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No Proselytizing - MissionariesThey work tirelessly every day, going door-to-door in order to convince us that their religion is the key to happiness and, if we choose the right god and dogma, that we may just make it into heaven (though I’ve never heard of anyone providing a money back guarantee on this celestial sales pitch). By implication the spiritual path we’ve chosen is somewhere between “inferior to theirs” and “damnable for eternity.”

It can’t be easy giving this kind of news to the predominantly uninterested homeowners of the world.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have one day to celebrate these soliciting missionaries and also give them a well deserved vacation?

In honor of all that they do, I hereby ordain and institute the worldwide tradition of Helloween: The one day that proselytizers are encouraged to preach to all who will listen from 6pm-8:30pm each and every Leap Day beginning on February 29, 2012. I know I didn’t give them much notice this year, but it does give them plenty of time to prepare for next Helloween!

Here are a few simple rules for America’s favorite new holiday:

  1. Just like trick-or-treating, proselytizers can only approach houses which have the porch lights turned on and only between 6pm and 8:30pm on Leap Day evening.
  2. Any proselytizing on any other day is to be met with the same reaction that one would have toward a child trick-or-treating on non-Halloween days: a polite “It’s not Helloween” will be sufficient.
  3. Proselytizers going door-to-door on Halloween (October 31st) are to receive no candy, or in extreme cases of pity they can be given peppermints, wax lips, or root beer barrels.
  4. In exchange for giving up four years of doorstep preaching, all residents will agree to avoid implementing the Bible’s call for the immediate killing of anyone attempting a religious conversion:

If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, that is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, “Let us go and serve other gods,” which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers, of the gods of the peoples that are round about you, nigh unto thee, or far off from thee, from the one end of the earth even unto the other end of the earth, thou shalt not consent unto him, nor hearken unto him. Neither shall thine eye pity him, neither shalt thou spare, neither shalt thou conceal him, but thou shalt surely kill him. Thy hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people. —Deuteronomy 13:6-9

Now let the proselytizing begin…and then go take a relaxing four year hiatus! You might even want to take some of that time and energy you would have spent seeking converts and use it to help your fellow man to create a better world here and now.

Could 44 Adorable Jesus Fans Be Wrong?

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As millions of Broncos fans hoped for a miracle in the playoff game against the Patriots, Focus on the Family aired an interminable 30-second ad featuring the most precious, interracial, GapKids models that you’ve ever seen, all basically condemning you to hell if you don’t follow Jesus.

Of all the quotes in the Bible to choose from, of course they cherry-picked John 3:16. That’s the verse that was popularized at 1970s and ’80s sporting events by The Rainbow Man (who is now serving three consecutive life sentences in prison!) and that for many Christians summarizes the whole Bible:

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. —John 3:16

I couldn’t help but picture how those same children would have looked giving voice to some of the Bible readings that always get left behind:

And when the letter came to them, they took the king’s sons and put them to death, all the seventy, and put their heads in baskets and sent them to him at Jezreel. —2 Kings 10:7

or

She lusted after lovers with genitals as large as a donkey’s and emissions like those of a horse. —Ezekiel 23:20

Even the most charming youngster in the world would have trouble finding converts with those verses.

But there was something beyond the choice of the verse that I found troubling: the use of children.

Why choose kids instead of adults? I see three reasons:

• Proselytizing kids sound so sweet and innocent. Adults sound pushy.

• Proselytizing kids appear to have less of a hidden agenda. Adults, i.e. the folks at Focus on the Family, definitely have an agenda.

• Listening to a child, we tend to let down our guard and listen to what they have to say. To an adult, we’re more likely to respond, “Sorry, not interested.”

So, besides being manipulative, what’s wrong with children as religious spokeskids? Because the kids are being used—used to send a message that the adults are actually making.

When a parent prodded her child to approach Michele Bachmann to make a powerful political point (being careful to capture it on video), it was a bit of a cheap shot (albeit a funny cheap shot).

If an adult wants to make an important statement of their principles, they shouldn’t hide behind their kids, who will often parrot even the most outlandish beliefs of the parents. The adults should make the case themselves. (I was tempted to make a parody ad with darling kids reciting one of the alternate quotes above, but I thought I should follow my own advice.)

As a general rule, I am not opposed to having kids in commercials selling me on the consumption-induced euphoria of toys, breakfast cereal, or underwear. But I bristle when they tell me to join their religion or suffer eternal torture. If that’s your message, say it. Don’t hide behind a sea of childhood sweetness as you tell the 4.7 billion non-Christians of the world that they’re going to hell.