Tag Archives: 1 Corinthians 14:34

Jesus’ Wife Discovered? The Top 12 Signs That Your Messiah May Not Be Marriage Material

Posted on by
6

A newly-discovered and tantalizing piece of fourth century parchment refers to “Jesus’ wife,” and though it is not considered proof that Jesus was in fact married, it does beg the biblical question: Ladies, is Jesus really the kind of guy you’d want to settle down with?

Jesus was not your average Galilean peasant. He was more the type of guy that could attract huge crowds and draw the ire of the Jewish and Roman authorities. Now some women may be attracted to that powerful, bad boy image, but there are other qualities to consider when contemplating becoming Mrs. Jesus.

The Top Ten Signs That Your Messiah May Not Be Marriage Material

1. He hangs out with lepers.

A man with leprosy approached him —Matthew 8:2

Jesus met a man with leprosy. —Luke 5:12

A man with leprosy  knelt in front of Jesus —Mark 1:40

2. He hangs out with and receives gifts from prostitutes.

When a certain immoral woman from that city heard Jesus was eating there, she brought a beautiful alabaster jar filled with expensive perfume. —Luke 7:37

3. He hangs out with his guy friends a bit too much.

The word “disciples” is mentioned 277 times in the Bible concordance. See for yourself.

4. He has a temper.

And seeing a fig tree by the wayside, he came to it and found nothing thereon but leaves only, and he saith unto it, “Let there be no fruit from thee henceforward forever.” And immediately the fig tree withered away. —Matthew 21:19

5. He has a martyr complex.

And he began to teach them: “The Son of Man is going to suffer many things and to be rejected by the Elders and by the Chief Priests and by the Scribes and he shall be killed.” —Mark 8:31

6. He doesn’t treat his mother with much respect.

And turning round, he said to them, “If any man comes to me and has not hate for his father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, and even for his life, he may not be my disciple.” —Luke 14:26

7. He’s always calling other people hypocrites, and then he tells you NOT to judge others.

The Lord answered him, “You hypocrites!” —Luke 13:15

“Why do you test me, you hypocrites?” —Matthew 22:18

“Judge not, that you be not judged.” —Matthew 7:1

8. He doesn’t own his own means of transportation.

Saying to them, “Go into the village over against you, and immediately ye shall find an ass tied and a colt with her. Loose them, and bring them to me.” —Matthew 21:2

9. He has a reputation for being drunk and pigging out.

The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and they say, “Here is a glutton and a drunkard.” —Matthew 11:19

10. Some of his followers think you and all women should keep your mouths shut.

Let the women keep silence in the churches. —1 Corinthians 14:34

11. He won’t respond when he’s robbed.

“If anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back.” —Luke 6:30

12. He would give all he has to the poor.

“Sell everything you have and give to the poor.” —Luke 18:22

Some of these character traits actually match up exactly with traits on contemporary “not husband material” lists. So, there may be some good reasons why Jesus is thought to have stayed single.

Maybe he’s less of the groom type and more of the best man type:

3 Reasons Why Jesus Would Be an Awesome Best Man!

1. He is a captivating speaker. See the Sermon on the Mount —Matthew 5-7

2. He can turn water into wine at your wedding.

The master of the banquet tasted the water that had been turned into wine. —John 2:9

3. He could throw a great bachelor party. He knows boatloads of bachelors who all love to party with Jesus, and he does have that reputation as a glutton and a drunkard.

And while He was reclining at table, a large number of tax-gathers and notorious sinners were of the party with Jesus and His disciples. —Matthew 9:10

The “Jesus’ Wife” papyrus is just one of many early Christian gnostic texts that are not considered part of the Bible. Yet they can offer a fascinating, alternative view of Jesus and, in this case, his views on women.

Simon Peter said unto them, “Mary should leave from among us, since females are not worthy of life.” Jesus said, “Look, I myself shall guide her so as to make her male, that she also may become a living spirit just as you males are. For every female who becomes male will enter the kingdom of heaven.” —Gospel of Thomas #114

And still more on Mary Magdalene:

And the companion of the saviour was Mary Magdalene. Christ loved Mary more than all the disciples, and used to kiss her often on her [ . . . ]. —The Gospel of Philip ,Page 63 Lines 33-37

That “[ . . . ]” above isn’t the work of a censor, but rather a titillatingly illegible word in the ancient text.

So take gnostic writings and rumors of Jesus’ marriage with a grain of salt. Just as with the Bible, if you look hard enough through the gnostic writings of the Nag Hammadi Library you can basically find whatever you’re looking for. For people like me who seek out the amusing and unexpected verses, I was not disappointed either:

Do not return to that which you have vomited in order to eat it. Don’t be moths, and don’t be worms. —The Gospel of Truth, Page 33 Lines 15-17

Now there’s a gospel verse I can truly believe in.

Michael Morris is the author of Bible Funmentionables: A Lighthearted Look at the Wildest Verses You’ve NEVER Been Told!, which features all of the shocking and hilarious verses that your minister, rabbi, or charismatic cult leader is afraid to preach.

Now About That Vow of Silence…

Posted on by
1

Every Catholic schoolkid knows one thing: you don’t tell a nun to shut up. At least you don’t if you wanted to avoid rapped knuckles and the more long-term problem of eternal damnation.

Yet one man is finally doing what so many students have always dreamt of: Pope Benedict XVI is telling 1,500 nuns of the Leadership Conference of Women Religious (LCWR), who represent over 40,000 nuns, “You don’t make the rules here. I do.”

It seems the nuns made the mistake of not speaking out forcefully enough about abortion and gay marriage, and then they actually contemplated the possibility of the ordination of women priests. If the Pope would read his Bible a little more carefully, he would find that someone else didn’t speak out forcefully, or at all, on these issues: a guy named Jesus of Nazareth. We all remember him, right?

This papal bitch slap (N.B. To every nun who worked so tirelessly to educate mischievous little me—with very little pay and even less gratitude—forgive me for using this politically incorrect yet emotionally very correct phrase) is being euphemistically called “renewal” by the US Conference of Catholic Bishops. Using the term “renewal” for this major rebuke is like a new dictator’s claim that he overthrew the government in order to “restore order.”

And who was appointed to tell the nuns what they can and can’t say? Archbishop Peter Sartain of Seattle, who is (in)famous for being the guy who ordered anti-gay marriage sermons be preached in all of Washington’s Catholic churches, in an attempt to defeat same-sex marriage legislation.

Interestingly, many churches refused to repeat Sartain’s political/religious opinion, to the approval of many churchgoers.

If Sartain and Benedict are looking for biblical justifications for this ecclesiastical crackdown, they won’t have to search very hard.

Women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak. —1 Corinthians 14:34

It is disgraceful for a woman to speak in the church. —1 Corinthians 14:35

I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent. —1 Timothy 2:12

Theologians note that Paul himself very likely never wrote these quotes that are attributed to him. But thanks to some misogynistic, mischief-making forger who lived 2,000 years ago, these sentiments made it into the most revered holy book in Western culture.

Usually it’s fairly easy to find Bible passages that would contradict other passages, but when I searched for verses that speak positively about the rights of women, there were slim pickings:

Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel. —1 Peter 3:7

The next closest thing I found were the many occasions where Paul addresses the following female leaders and other important women in the early Christian church:

  • Apphia —Philemon 2
  • Euodia —Philippians 4:2
  • Junia —Romans 16:7
  • Mary —Romans 16:6
  • Nympha —Colossians 4:15
  • Persis —Romans 16:12
  • Phoebe —Romans 16:1
  • Priscilla —I Corinthians 16:19
  • Syntyche —Philippians 4:2

So you see, religious women have a long tradition of being active in the church and following Jesus’ call to serve the needs of others. The Vatican, on the other hand, has a long tradition of holding onto power and keeping its concentration of wealth restricted to a relatively small group of increasingly conservative men. Maybe it’s a force of habit, as it is a part of evolution: men feel threatened by forces that could potentially lower their social status—so even priests who may never reproduce (ideally) still possess the genes from their forefathers who behaved and successfully reproduced with this mentality. Let’s all just breathe a sigh of relief that the fathers of the church have not yet started quoting this biblical gem:

If anyone deliberately disobeys the priest who serves the Lord your God or the judge, that person must die. —Deuteronomy 17:12

Meanwhile, I’ll start searching for those quotes from Jesus’ Sermon on Gay Marriage. I think it starts “Blessed are the straight.”

Michael Morris is the author of Bible Funmentionables: A Lighthearted Look at the Wildest Verses You’ve NEVER Been Told!, which features all of the shocking and hilarious verses that your minister, rabbi, or charismatic cult leader is afraid to preach.