Helloween: A Holiday for and from Proselytizers

No Proselytizing - MissionariesThey work tirelessly every day, going door-to-door in order to convince us that their religion is the key to happiness and, if we choose the right god and dogma, that we may just make it into heaven (though I’ve never heard of anyone providing a money back guarantee on this celestial sales pitch). By implication the spiritual path we’ve chosen is somewhere between “inferior to theirs” and “damnable for eternity.”

It can’t be easy giving this kind of news to the predominantly uninterested homeowners of the world.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have one day to celebrate these soliciting missionaries and also give them a well deserved vacation?

In honor of all that they do, I hereby ordain and institute the worldwide tradition of Helloween: The one day that proselytizers are encouraged to preach to all who will listen from 6pm-8:30pm each and every Leap Day beginning on February 29, 2012. I know I didn’t give them much notice this year, but it does give them plenty of time to prepare for next Helloween!

Here are a few simple rules for America’s favorite new holiday:

  1. Just like trick-or-treating, proselytizers can only approach houses which have the porch lights turned on and only between 6pm and 8:30pm on Leap Day evening.
  2. Any proselytizing on any other day is to be met with the same reaction that one would have toward a child trick-or-treating on non-Halloween days: a polite “It’s not Helloween” will be sufficient.
  3. Proselytizers going door-to-door on Halloween (October 31st) are to receive no candy, or in extreme cases of pity they can be given peppermints, wax lips, or root beer barrels.
  4. In exchange for giving up four years of doorstep preaching, all residents will agree to avoid implementing the Bible’s call for the immediate killing of anyone attempting a religious conversion:

If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, that is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, “Let us go and serve other gods,” which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers, of the gods of the peoples that are round about you, nigh unto thee, or far off from thee, from the one end of the earth even unto the other end of the earth, thou shalt not consent unto him, nor hearken unto him. Neither shall thine eye pity him, neither shalt thou spare, neither shalt thou conceal him, but thou shalt surely kill him. Thy hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people. —Deuteronomy 13:6-9

Now let the proselytizing begin…and then go take a relaxing four year hiatus! You might even want to take some of that time and energy you would have spent seeking converts and use it to help your fellow man to create a better world here and now.


4 thoughts on “Helloween: A Holiday for and from Proselytizers

  1. Hey, didn’t you see last week’s “30 Rock” (2/23/12)? You’re stepping on Leap Day William’s toes! (But otherwise, a wonderful idea! Just pray–hope–you don’t have a mormon president by next leap year.) (I think mormons like that door-to-door stuff. Don’t have many here in Deutschland.)

    • If you have to leave a light on to receive “visitors,” I’m sure this day would soon also become known as The Great American Blackout. (And in that way it’d kind of be like Halloween, too, with people hiding in their dark houses whispering, “Are they gone yet? Are they gone?”) On the (another) plus side, you’d conserve a lot of energy! So everybody’d win!

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