It’s good to be pope. While some priests and nuns still take a vow of poverty, Pope Benedict XVI felt compelled to commission a personalized cologne just for the Holy (and Delightfully-Scented) Father. Perfume creator Silvana Casoli—who evidently works for stars with one name only: Sting, Madonna, Bendict—has revealed that the pope’s fragrance contains hints of grass, verbena, and lime tree.
This begs the question: why does a pope need to smell uniquely stunning? A lot of single guys like to smell their best, though I haven’t heard that he is using his cologne to attract a mate. Everything he owns probably reeks of church incense, so he could be trying to cover that up.
Or maybe, since he is getting along in years, when his time is up he wants to smell his best for when he meets up with the Holy Father’s boss: the Holy Father. The Bible is clear that God indeed has a sense of smell:
It is a burnt sacrifice…of a sweet smell to the Lord. —Leviticus 1:13
And the act of smelling itself is important:
If all the body was hearing, where would be the smelling? —1 Corinthians 12:17
The Bible is also clear that it does not approve of things that smell bad:
My wounds are poisoned and evil-smelling. —Psalms 38:5
Their fish stink, because there is no water, and die for thirst. —Isaiah 50:2
Dead flies cause the ointment of the apothecary to send forth a stinking savour. —Ecclesiastes 10:1
Martha, the sister of him that was dead, saith to him, “Lord, by this time he stinketh, for he is now of four days.” —John 11:39
One of the Bible’s many hidden rock band names follows this theme as well:
There Shall Be Stink –Isaiah 3:24
I would go see them play before I would sit in a crowd waiting for the popemobile to pass by.
But Benedict must be very careful dealing with perfume dealers, since God has not always been kind to them:
Then fire came out from the Lord, burning up the 250 men who were offering the perfume. —Numbers 16:35
So next time I’m out pruning my lime tree which is right next to my verbena which is right next to a patch of grass (I’m not kidding), I will be reminded of the pope who, in this world of great need and at the head of a church of great wealth, did just what Jesus recommends: forget about the poor for a while and pamper yourself!
Jesus said to them, “Why are you bothering this woman? She has done a beautiful thing for me. You will always have the poor with you, but you will not always have me with you. She poured this perfume on my body before it is placed in a tomb. —Matthew 26:10-12
So be careful condemning this individually perfumed pope, because whatsoever you say about the least of your pontiffs, you say unto Jesus.
Michael Morris is the author of Bible Funmentionables: A Lighthearted Look at the Wildest Verses You’ve NEVER Been Told!, which features all of the shocking and hilarious verses that your minister, rabbi, or charismatic cult leader is afraid to preach.