Jesus’ Wife Discovered? The Top 12 Signs That Your Messiah May Not Be Marriage Material

A newly-discovered and tantalizing piece of fourth century parchment refers to “Jesus’ wife,” and though it is not considered proof that Jesus was in fact married, it does beg the biblical question: Ladies, is Jesus really the kind of guy you’d want to settle down with?

Jesus was not your average Galilean peasant. He was more the type of guy that could attract huge crowds and draw the ire of the Jewish and Roman authorities. Now some women may be attracted to that powerful, bad boy image, but there are other qualities to consider when contemplating becoming Mrs. Jesus.

The Top Ten Signs That Your Messiah May Not Be Marriage Material

1. He hangs out with lepers.

A man with leprosy approached him —Matthew 8:2

Jesus met a man with leprosy. —Luke 5:12

A man with leprosy  knelt in front of Jesus —Mark 1:40

2. He hangs out with and receives gifts from prostitutes.

When a certain immoral woman from that city heard Jesus was eating there, she brought a beautiful alabaster jar filled with expensive perfume. —Luke 7:37

3. He hangs out with his guy friends a bit too much.

The word “disciples” is mentioned 277 times in the Bible concordance. See for yourself.

4. He has a temper.

And seeing a fig tree by the wayside, he came to it and found nothing thereon but leaves only, and he saith unto it, “Let there be no fruit from thee henceforward forever.” And immediately the fig tree withered away. —Matthew 21:19

5. He has a martyr complex.

And he began to teach them: “The Son of Man is going to suffer many things and to be rejected by the Elders and by the Chief Priests and by the Scribes and he shall be killed.” —Mark 8:31

6. He doesn’t treat his mother with much respect.

And turning round, he said to them, “If any man comes to me and has not hate for his father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, and even for his life, he may not be my disciple.” —Luke 14:26

7. He’s always calling other people hypocrites, and then he tells you NOT to judge others.

The Lord answered him, “You hypocrites!” —Luke 13:15

“Why do you test me, you hypocrites?” —Matthew 22:18

“Judge not, that you be not judged.” —Matthew 7:1

8. He doesn’t own his own means of transportation.

Saying to them, “Go into the village over against you, and immediately ye shall find an ass tied and a colt with her. Loose them, and bring them to me.” —Matthew 21:2

9. He has a reputation for being drunk and pigging out.

The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and they say, “Here is a glutton and a drunkard.” —Matthew 11:19

10. Some of his followers think you and all women should keep your mouths shut.

Let the women keep silence in the churches. —1 Corinthians 14:34

11. He won’t respond when he’s robbed.

“If anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back.” —Luke 6:30

12. He would give all he has to the poor.

“Sell everything you have and give to the poor.” —Luke 18:22

Some of these character traits actually match up exactly with traits on contemporary “not husband material” lists. So, there may be some good reasons why Jesus is thought to have stayed single.

Maybe he’s less of the groom type and more of the best man type:

3 Reasons Why Jesus Would Be an Awesome Best Man!

1. He is a captivating speaker. See the Sermon on the Mount —Matthew 5-7

2. He can turn water into wine at your wedding.

The master of the banquet tasted the water that had been turned into wine. —John 2:9

3. He could throw a great bachelor partyHe knows boatloads of bachelors who all love to party with Jesus, and he does have that reputation as a glutton and a drunkard.

And while He was reclining at table, a large number of tax-gathers and notorious sinners were of the party with Jesus and His disciples. —Matthew 9:10

The “Jesus’ Wife” papyrus is just one of many early Christian gnostic texts that are not considered part of the Bible. Yet they can offer a fascinating, alternative view of Jesus and, in this case, his views on women.

Simon Peter said unto them, “Mary should leave from among us, since females are not worthy of life.” Jesus said, “Look, I myself shall guide her so as to make her male, that she also may become a living spirit just as you males are. For every female who becomes male will enter the kingdom of heaven.” —Gospel of Thomas #114

And still more on Mary Magdalene:

And the companion of the saviour was Mary Magdalene. Christ loved Mary more than all the disciples, and used to kiss her often on her [ . . . ]. The Gospel of Philip ,Page 63 Lines 33-37

That “[ . . . ]” above isn’t the work of a censor, but rather a titillatingly illegible word in the ancient text.

So take gnostic writings and rumors of Jesus’ marriage with a grain of salt. Just as with the Bible, if you look hard enough through the gnostic writings of the Nag Hammadi Library you can basically find whatever you’re looking for. For people like me who seek out the amusing and unexpected verses, I was not disappointed either:

Do not return to that which you have vomited in order to eat it. Don’t be moths, and don’t be worms. —The Gospel of Truth, Page 33 Lines 15-17

Now there’s a gospel verse I can truly believe in.

Michael Morris is the author of Bible Funmentionables: A Lighthearted Look at the Wildest Verses You’ve NEVER Been Told!, which features all of the shocking and hilarious verses that your minister, rabbi, or charismatic cult leader is afraid to preach.


6 thoughts on “Jesus’ Wife Discovered? The Top 12 Signs That Your Messiah May Not Be Marriage Material

  1. I don’t know. That Phyllis is a bit of a quack. But more to the topic, Catholic nuns claim that when they become nuns, they are marrying Jesus. And the clothing they wear–the habits, robes, and all–are their wedding gowns. (It’s true–a group of nuns came clean about this on “Oprah” a few years ago.) So apparently, Jesus is no stranger to marriage. I’m not sure how literally the Catholic Church takes this nuns-being-married-to-Jesus idea, but if women of the church are going around wearing their wedding gowns every day, it can make a person wonder–about a lot. One thing I wonder is this: If the Catholic Church believes its nuns are really married to Jesus, and if the Catholic Church also maintains that a marriage is not a true, legitimate marriage until the marriage is consummated (which is Church doctrine), then how, exactly, are these nuns consummating their marriages with Jesus in order to legitimize their marriages in the eyes of the Catholic Church? And does having so many wives make Jesus a polygamist? Perhaps only the Pope knows these answers.

  2. We liberated chicks use “chicks” instead of oppressive, masculine terms such as “woMAN” or “woMEN.” One day our children will learn “HERstory” as well as “HIStory.” And why shouldn’t we be allowed to marry Jesus? Welcome to the new century, gentlemen!

  3. females turn to males to enter the kingdom of god?…. jesus is gettin married physically to the goddess the holy spirit or mother wisdom….im sure jesus would be pissed wit all these dum ass teachings yall preachin oh and john is the best man stupdi

    • I get the feeling that Phyllis doesn’t really expect Jesus to pop the question and is just having a little fun with the whole idea of Jesus being ready to marry. Besides, how many chicks start their comments with “We chicks…”?

  4. We chicks dream of marrying a prince–like when Kate married Prince William! Jesus is the Prince of Peace, the King of Kings! With Jesus on the market, other single guys wouldn’t have a chance. I’d sure marry Jesus if he ever asked me! Plus, Jesus knows everything (and I mean “everything”)!! I’ll bet he’d never forget an anniversary either!

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