The Internet Prophecies (or How the Bible Can Be Used to Prove Anything)

Jesus_mac1Religious history was made on 12/12/12: the Pope pushed a button!

Not the Lowrider Bounce button on the Popemobile. No, instead, this button transmitted the Pope’s first tweet!

Joining the Twitterati elite may seem a gimmicky way to relate to today’s youth culture, but the Pope is actually fulfilling Bible prophecy! The Bible foretold of this day; the signs have been there all along, and now the prophecy has been fulfilled! BEHOLD:

The web that he spread over all nations. —Isaiah 25:7

The web has spread over all nations. How did the Bible know?

Like a swallow, like a crane, so I twitter; I moan like a dove. —Isaiah 38:14

The Bible actually mentions Twitter! And here it references Facebook:

Then all the wives will honor their husbands, regardless of their status.” —Esther 1:20

And in a thinly veiled reference to Cyber Monday:

So the word of the Lord to them will be, “Order on order, order on order. Line on line, line on line, A little here, a little there.”  —Isaiah 28:13

Tweeting may seem a strange way to get your spiritual message out, but in fact, the Gospel of Thomas was basically nothing but Jesus tweets:

Do not do what U H8. —The Gospel of Thomas 6  #WWID

And this little known Jesus utterance that somehow never got picked up by Matthew, Mark, and the rest:

Blessed is the lion that becomes man when eaten by man.  —The Gospel of Thomas 7 #KentuckyFriedLion  😄 http://tinyurl.com/lionloin

Twitter may help the Pope connect with his followers, although he admittedly will be very hands off on the whole endeavor. His social media staff will write the tweets which he will review before they send them out on his behalf. The pope should be careful leaving the messaging up to others. When Paul took over the messaging from Jesus, we end up with lovely sentiments like the following:

But now God has put every one of the parts in the body as it was pleasing to him. And if they were all one part, where would the body be? —1 Corinthians 12:18-19

And speaking of bodies, Paul seemed to have some issues with them:

And to those parts of the body which seem to have less honor we clothe with more honor. And to those parts of the body which are a cause of shame to us we give the greater respect. —1 Corinthians 12:23

Twitter has definitely enlivened the religious dialogue throughout the world. Whether the Pope, who seemed to struggle just to push a single button on his iPad, is really the ideal candidate to be the Catholic church’s ambassador to the web is still to be determined. Comparing the numbers, though, he seems to be a huge success: Pope Benedict has almost a million Twitter followers, while Jesus only had 12 disciples. (Editor’s note: Jesus, it should be pointed out to our younger readers, lived at a time before broadband and even before dial-up.)

Michael Morris is the author of Bible Funmentionables: A Lighthearted Look at the Wildest Verses You’ve NEVER Been Told!, which features all of the shocking and hilarious verses that your minister, rabbi, or charismatic cult leader is afraid to preach.

Rare Unicorn Lair Discovered in North Korea and the Bible

UnicornLairYou might expect to see a unicorn make an appearance in a schoolgirl’s notebook, in a trash collector’s commercial, or as a marshmallow shape in your breakfast cereal. However, most people would be surprised to find unicorns in their history books or even in their Holy Bible.

The North Korean Central News Agency reported that archaeologists recently discovered an actual unicorn lair which proves that King Tongmyong once rode a unicorn there. Their proof is a carving on an ancient rock that says “Unicorn Lair.” This does seem reasonable, as I’ve never seen a unicorn lair without a “Unicorn Lair” sign out front.

North Korean state media have a history of attributing mythic status to their leaders. Kim Jong Il had five holes in one in a single round of golf and he invented the hamburger (though sadly not on the same day). Ascribing supernatural powers and portents to North Korean leaders has proven to be a potent way of impressing the gullible masses.

Which brings us to the Bible.

Less well known than the newly discovered unicorn’s lair is the fact that the word “unicorn(s)” appears in the King James version of the Bible a total of eight times. If you want to stir up some controversy the next time you talk to your religious friends, ask them which is mentioned more often in the Bible: a cat or a unicorn. You will find the word unicorn on average appearing once in every 3,456 words in the King James Bible and the word cat mentioned exactly never.

Here are few examples of unicorns running wild throughout the Bible:

But my horn shalt thou exalt like the horn of a unicorn. —Psalms 92:10

I’ve never had anyone exalt my horn, no matter how nicely I ask. I must be doing something wrong.

And the unicorns shall go down with them, and the bulls with the mighty. Their land shall be soaked with blood, and their ground with the fat of fat ones. —Isaiah 34:7

Fat soaked land is evidently something you want to avoid.

Modern translators have decided that the unicorn is too fantastical a creature to mention in modern holy scriptures (unlike talking donkeys and snakes), so various alternate translations have been offered:

Will the unicorn be willing to serve thee?

—King James Version —Job 39:9

Will the wild ox be content to serve you?

—World English Bible

Shall the rhinoceros be willing to serve thee?

—Douay-Rheims

Is a reem willing to serve thee?

—Young’s Literal Translation

Will the buffalo be willing to serve thee?

—Darby Translation

Will the ox of the mountains be your servant?

—Bible in Basic English

And finally, my favorite:

God brought him forth out of Egypt. He hath as it were the strength of a unicorn—Numbers 24:8

Now all of this is a bit of an embarrassment to Bible literalists (the main target of this blog, in case you hadn’t noticed). The King James Version, the most revered translation of all, likens God to a mythical creature that people used to think existed, but now we know is not real. Back then, people wanted to believe in something supernaturally powerful, but when they finally realized there was no evidence of its existence, they marked it down as fantasy and moved on to dealing with the real world. Well, most of us moved on anyway; there are still North Korean archaeologist types who won’t give up on the fantasy because they are either eager to mislead others or have a deep desire to hold to unfounded beliefs.