The Internet Prophecies (or How the Bible Can Be Used to Prove Anything)

Jesus_mac1Religious history was made on 12/12/12: the Pope pushed a button!

Not the Lowrider Bounce button on the Popemobile. No, instead, this button transmitted the Pope’s first tweet!

Joining the Twitterati elite may seem a gimmicky way to relate to today’s youth culture, but the Pope is actually fulfilling Bible prophecy! The Bible foretold of this day; the signs have been there all along, and now the prophecy has been fulfilled! BEHOLD:

The web that he spread over all nations. —Isaiah 25:7

The web has spread over all nations. How did the Bible know?

Like a swallow, like a crane, so I twitter; I moan like a dove. —Isaiah 38:14

The Bible actually mentions Twitter! And here it references Facebook:

Then all the wives will honor their husbands, regardless of their status.” —Esther 1:20

And in a thinly veiled reference to Cyber Monday:

So the word of the Lord to them will be, “Order on order, order on order. Line on line, line on line, A little here, a little there.”  —Isaiah 28:13

Tweeting may seem a strange way to get your spiritual message out, but in fact, the Gospel of Thomas was basically nothing but Jesus tweets:

Do not do what U H8. —The Gospel of Thomas 6  #WWID

And this little known Jesus utterance that somehow never got picked up by Matthew, Mark, and the rest:

Blessed is the lion that becomes man when eaten by man.  —The Gospel of Thomas 7 #KentuckyFriedLion  😄

Twitter may help the Pope connect with his followers, although he admittedly will be very hands off on the whole endeavor. His social media staff will write the tweets which he will review before they send them out on his behalf. The pope should be careful leaving the messaging up to others. When Paul took over the messaging from Jesus, we end up with lovely sentiments like the following:

But now God has put every one of the parts in the body as it was pleasing to him. And if they were all one part, where would the body be? —1 Corinthians 12:18-19

And speaking of bodies, Paul seemed to have some issues with them:

And to those parts of the body which seem to have less honor we clothe with more honor. And to those parts of the body which are a cause of shame to us we give the greater respect. —1 Corinthians 12:23

Twitter has definitely enlivened the religious dialogue throughout the world. Whether the Pope, who seemed to struggle just to push a single button on his iPad, is really the ideal candidate to be the Catholic church’s ambassador to the web is still to be determined. Comparing the numbers, though, he seems to be a huge success: Pope Benedict has almost a million Twitter followers, while Jesus only had 12 disciples. (Editor’s note: Jesus, it should be pointed out to our younger readers, lived at a time before broadband and even before dial-up.)

Michael Morris is the author of Bible Funmentionables: A Lighthearted Look at the Wildest Verses You’ve NEVER Been Told!, which features all of the shocking and hilarious verses that your minister, rabbi, or charismatic cult leader is afraid to preach.


2 thoughts on “The Internet Prophecies (or How the Bible Can Be Used to Prove Anything)

    • I copy and paste from actual Bible translations. Is there any chance you just don’t like these particular quotes that are actually in a book that you were taught to revere?

      I don’t have to make up fake Bible quotes. The Bible is very generous in offering up its own odd and entertaining phrases.

      I don’t always give full context, but neither do many believers who use the random quote to prove their point. I quote in good faith but selectively and often with hilarious results. Enjoy!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s