Put Down the Damn Snakes!: The Top 12 Gospel Edits Jesus Will Make If and When He Returns (Part 1)

6a00d83451586c69e200e54f2cca758834-800wiMillions of eager earthlings await Jesus’ return to his home planet (in this lifetime if you don’t mind!). In case you haven’t been following current events, Jesus has snubbed this earthly invite for about 1,985 years, assuming a 4 BC birth. By the way, this was Jesus’ first and mostly under-appreciated miracle: Christ being born four years before Christ.

So when Jesus finally does experience terrestrial gravity again, it will be the perfect opportunity to once and for all clarify his message, which in the past has allowed for conflicting interpretations that have led to fistfights, schisms, the occasional war, and The Life of Brian. Okay one out of four ain’t bad.

So without further ado, and without express written consent of God or Major League Baseball, here are Jesus’ Top 12 Gospel Edits:

1. And these signs will be with those who have faith…They will take up snakes, and if there is poison in their drink, it will do them no evil. —Mark 16:17-18

JHC: I gotta start with this quotation because I never said it! (I know that surprises a lot of people.) So put down the damn snakes, people! And don’t drink poison! Poison bad!

This verse wasn’t even in Mark’s first draft. It was added later, maybe by someone trying to create demand in the normally un-lucrative poisonous snake business.

So let’s make a new First Commandment, even before “Love the Lord your God and your neighbor etc.” and it’s this: “First and foremost, use your brain.” Period. I don’t want to read any more news stories of snake handlers dying in my name. You’re not dying for your faith or lack of faith, you’re dying for your gullibility and lack of common sense. Sometimes I wish my followers weren’t such a bunch of followers. Hey, and a shout out to all my non-snake handling followers, way to think things through! Ironically, I have more faith in you than in those uber-faithful snake handlers.

2. But I say to you that whoever looketh on a woman to lust after her, hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. And if thy right eye shall cause thee to sin, pluck it out…and if thy right hand shall cause thee to sin, cut it off. —Matthew 5:28-30

JHC: Honestly, I’m a little embarrassed because I really don’t even remember saying this one. Some of my “biographers” sure seem to have had their own agendas. It sounds like I’m condemning all men with a healthy libido to a life of monoscopic vision and one-handed clapping. Updated it would sound like this: “If you look lustfully at a woman, just relax, and do not pluck out or chop off anything! Lust is a very natural thing and quite possibly the reason you are here today. Just focus on finding a partner who’s into you and into what you’re into.” Clear enough?

3. Lord, allow me first to go and bury my father.” But Jesus said to him, “Follow me, and leave the dead to bury their own dead.” —Matthew 8:21-22

JHC: Wow, sounds like I was a bit stressed out that day. I sure did know how to throw out a catchy soundbite though, didn’t I? I do think this was one of my funnier lines. But since most people don’t seek out a messiah for his jocularity, let’s go with something more practical like “Bury the dead as you must, and then return to the business of living.” I sound like much less of a jerk that way, don’t I? Oh yeah, I still got it.

To be continued…

Michael Morris is the author of Bible Funmentionables: A Lighthearted Look at the Wildest Verses You’ve NEVER Been Told!, which features all of the shocking and hilarious verses that your minister, rabbi, or charismatic cult leader is afraid to preach.

When You ASS-U-ME the Bible Will Give You the Right Answer…

GogAndMagogI am repeatedly shocked by how often the Wall Street Journal runs ill-conceived and plainly second-rate op-eds on their editorial pages. As long as your political philosophy aligns with the editorial board, they seem willing to run just about anything. So when I read this, I couldn’t keep myself away from the B-fun blog.

Tevi Troy’s assertion that many American Presidents have been influenced by the Bible (“The Presidential Bible Class”) was as inarguable as it was superficial. It left unasked two vital questions: Have presidential Bible consultations yielded universally positive results? and Should the Bible be relied upon as an unerring counsel for political leaders?

To answer the first question we need only travel back in time to 2003 to recall the account of former French President Jacques Chirac who claimed President Bush tried to convince him to join the invasion of Iraq because “Gog and Magog are at work in the Middle East.” Gog and Magog are not Mr. Magoo’s adorable nephews, but rather they are creatures prophesied in the Book of Revelation to bring destruction upon Israel. Given that a recent Gallup poll shows that 53% of Americans believe that invading Iraq was a mistake, we may have been better served if Bush had studied more about the tensions between Shiites and Sunnis and worried less about Gog and Magog.

A one-time US Senator and Secretary of War once said, “It (slavery) was established by decree of Almighty God and is sanctioned in the Bible, in both Testaments from Genesis to Revelation.” The author of this quote was also a President of sorts: the Confederate States’ President Jefferson Davis.

Slavery is famously not outlawed in the Bible with passages like

“Slaves, obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling.” —Ephesians 6:5

and

“Tell slaves to be submissive to their masters.” —Titus 2:9

That could explain that despite being fully aware of the Bible, 10 of the first 10 US Presidents (who were not named Adams) owned slaves at some point in their lives. But that was a different time. No politician today would really think the Bible meant what it said about slavery, right? Well there is the case of state representative Loy Mauch of Arkansas who claimed in 2012,

“If slavery were so God-awful, why didn’t Jesus or Paul condemn it?”

So consulting the Bible has been no guarantor of inerrant advice for past politicians. But is there a place for the Bible as an aide in informing today’s weighty political issues?

In my own study of the Bible, I have endeavored to catalogue the most surprising and arcane passages of the Old and New Testaments, and I discovered that for every Bible verse used to support a given political opinion, it was not difficult to find a verse that would support just the opposite.

There are the more lighthearted contradictions:

“Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing.” —Proverbs 18:22

and

“It is good for a man not to touch a woman.” —1 Corinthians 7:1

Then there are the confusing directives:

“Even so let your light shine before men.” —Matthew 5:16

and

“Take heed that ye do not your righteousness before men.” —Matthew 6:1

Some are deeply theological:

“The Father is greater than I am.” —John 14:28

and

“I and my Father are one.” —John 10:30

And others have important public policy ramifications:

“Sell everything you have and give it to the poor.” —Luke 18:22

and

“You will always have the poor among you, but you will not always have me.” —John 12:8

When I combed through every single saying of Jesus in the gospels looking for those with either a hint of liberal or conservative sentiments, I was surprised to find that Jesus was not wholly one or the other, though by my count his liberal-leaning statements outnumbered his conservative ones by a ration of 2 to 1. Given this mixed message in the gospels, what does it mean to rely upon the Bible as a source of political inspiration. Rather than hearing one consistent message, it seems highly likely that one would be tempted to seek out those verses that conform to one’s preexisting ideology also known as confirmation bias. When is the last time you heard a politician say that even though it goes completely against their political leanings, the Bible made them change a deeply held belief.

I mention this as a cautionary tale. Being well-versed in the Bible does not necessarily equal unparalleled political decision-making. Even Abraham Lincoln understood his limited ability to discern the ideal course of action when he said,

“My concern is not whether God is on our side. My greatest concern is to be on God’s side.”

Michael Morris is the author of Bible Funmentionables: A Lighthearted Look at the Wildest Verses You’ve NEVER Been Told!, which features all of the shocking and hilarious verses that your minister, rabbi, or charismatic cult leader is afraid to preach.

The Beatles Foretold: The 12 Bible Verses That Prophesied the Coming of The Beatles!

BeatlesForetoldYou say you want a Revelation!

On the 50th anniversary of The Beatles’ First Coming to America, the Bible verses that predicted the incarnation of The Beatles are finally coming to light:

1. He sendeth among them the beetle. —Psalm 78:45
2. There was a man sent from God whose name was John. —John 1:6
3. John spoke out against the ruler. —Luke 3:19
4. Paul set out from there and traveled from place to place throughout the region. —Acts 18:23
5. When the crowd saw what Paul had done, they shouted. —Acts 14:11
6. He kept silent and did not answer. —Mark 14:61
7. A man of understanding remains silent. —Proverbs 11:12
8. And I put a ring on your nose, earrings on your ears and a beautiful crown on your head. —Ezekiel 16:12
9. As to these four lads, God hath given to them knowledge and understanding in every kind of literature, and wisdom. —Daniel 1:17
10. They will be holy. They must let their hair grow long. —Numbers 6:5
11. And Jesus came down with them to a level place, and a great band.” —Luke 6:17
12. Upon this rock I will build my church. —Matthew 16:18

Eerily accurate or extraordinarily unerring? The answer seems obvious.The Beatles Bigger Than Jesus

This may appear to be a frivolous exercise in cherry-picking Bible verses to fit a predetermined narrative, but in much the same way, the gospel writers scoured the Hebrew Bible to find quotes that “prophesied” Jesus’ life and death (coincidentally about 50 years afterwards). The gospel writers misquoted the Bible, took quotes out of context, and distorted Jesus’ biography to create their “prophecies.” And while fundamentalist Christians would scoff at the Beatles Prophesy above, they frequently point to the Jesus “prophecies” as proof that the Bible is true.

Which brings us to the Bible Funmentionables Core Principle #6:

If your holy scriptures can “prove” either side of any issue, it’s not really proof at all.

Now excuse me while I get back to my Bible to definitively prove that the Walrus really was the most ironically named member of the Beatles, Pete Best.

Michael Morris is the author of Bible Funmentionables: A Lighthearted Look at the Wildest Verses You’ve NEVER Been Told!, which features all of the shocking and hilarious verses that your minister, rabbi, or charismatic cult leader is afraid to preach.