Could Christians Become Erotic Cake Baking Slaves?

yummy-rainbow-cakeEvidently some conservative Christians have completely run out of actual things to fear.

Judson Phillips, the president of Tea Party Nation, worries that without the ability to discriminate against gays, Christians may become “slaves” who could be “required to create a cake for a homosexual wedding that has a giant phallic symbol on it.”

You would have to be the world’s worst slave owner, or the most profligate anyway, to use the slaves at your disposal just to create erotic wedding cakes—as if people do that for weddings! I don’t want to know what else Phillips thinks goes on at gay weddings.

Which brings us to Bible Funmentionables Core Principle #7: Whenever people make really outrageous and irrational statements about others, it’s quite likely that they are projecting their own suppressed desires and emotions.

For example, some state lawmakers claim, contrary to all the evidence, that there is rampant voter fraud. They assume their opponents are the ones doing this fraud, which in fact they themselves would like to be doing. They then prove their desire to commit voter fraud by passing voter suppression laws.

But let’s let God’s word itself weigh in on the controversy and see what the Bible has to say about cake making:

Isaiah ordered, “Get a fig cake.” So they did as he ordered and placed it on the ulcerated sore, and he recovered. —2 Kings 20:7

Fig cakes on a sore: good advice at the time when you compare it to other more harmful cures, but what about those slave-baked penis cakes?

For a harlot consumeth unto a cake of bread, and an adulteress the precious soul hunteth. —Proverbs 6:26

In other words, a prostitute will only cost you the price of a loaf of bread, but sleep with some other guy’s wife and it could cost you your life. Finally, some practical advice from Proverbs which most guys never hear about until it’s too late.

And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with human excrement in their sight. Then he said to me, “Lo, I have given thee cow’s dung for man’s dung, and thou shalt prepare thy bread with them.” —Ezekiel 4:12,15

Newer translations make it very clear that the dung is for fuel purposes only, not part of the ingredients. Either way, ewwww!

So evidently the Bible is agnostic on the issue of whether it’s okay to a snake cake baker, although it has plenty to say about how great slavery is.

Arizona bill SB1062, which was vetoed, is a political/religious Rorschach test: To conservative Christians it’s a matter of freedom of conscience: doing business for a gay wedding is condoning an abomination unto the Lord (which I’ll get into in a future post). To others it’s a violation of gays’ civil liberties.

Whenever you’re demanding your right to refuse service/discriminate against another group, you can usually find some kind of biblical support for your position, but increasingly, you may find that much of the rest of society is moving on to a more charitable and inclusive way of seeing the world. Let’s not tell Judson Phillips.

Michael Morris is the author of Bible Funmentionables: A Lighthearted Look at the Wildest Verses You’ve NEVER Been Told!, which features all of the shocking and hilarious verses that your minister, rabbi, or charismatic cult leader is afraid to preach.

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4 thoughts on “Could Christians Become Erotic Cake Baking Slaves?

  1. Let’s face it: People love penis cakes. They just don’t love to call them penis cakes. They prefer to call them Twinkies. (And the Hostess labor dispute a year ago or so might make one wonder if Twinkies weren’t/aren’t indeed “slave-wages” baked.) Penis cakes are here to stay!

  2. Reblogged this on They Need To Go and commented:
    I wrote about the absurdity of Judson Phillips’ fear about “phallic cakes at gay weddings” for Addicting Info last week. This post has a very different, but no less valid (and indeed more humorous), take on it.

  3. Pingback: On being forced to bake erotic cakes : Dangerous Intersection

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