The Bible’s Long, Proud History of God’s Broken Promises

NoahsworldRadio preacher Bryan Fischer wants us all to relax about the impact of climate change because God promised not to wipe us out ever again!

Who can forget when this all-loving, though at times lethally capricious, God decide it was a great idea to wipe all but eight of us out:

And the Lord said, “I will destroy man, whom I have created, from the face of the earth.”—Genesis 6:7

But God would never change his mind and destroy us all again, right? We have his word:

Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, then I will remember my covenant with you and with all living creatures of all kinds. Never again will the waters become a flood and destroy all living things. —Genesis 9:14-15

So Bryan Fischer tells us that rainbows prove that sea levels won’t disastrously rise.

The Bible is full of all sorts of promises. Before we take comfort in God’s rainbow reassurance, let’s see how reliable other Bible promises have proven to be.

In the same day the Lord made a covenant with Abram, saying, “Unto thy seed have I given this land, from the river of Egypt unto the great river, the river Euphrates.”
—Genesis 15:18

Yeah, about that…God now regrets overpromising the land of Egypt, Lebanon, Jordan, Syria, and Iraq which he technically didn’t own at the time.

I will make Egypt the most desolate country in the world. For 40 years Egypt’s cities will lie in ruins. They will be ruined more than any other city. —Ezekiel 29:12

Never happened. And yes, there are more desolate countries.

God bringeth to nought the designs of the malignant.
—Job 5:12

The Lord will not allow a righteous person to starve.
—Proverbs 10:3

If women go on in faith and love and holy self-control, she will be kept safe at the time of childbirth. —1 Timothy 2:12,15

If there is poison in their drink, it will do them no evil. They will put their hands on those who are ill, and they will get well. —Mark 16:17-18

Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
—Matthew 5:5

You may not have noticed, but the meek are still waiting. One day they may get the courage to hire a good lawyer and then we’ll finally hear their demands for this unfulfilled promise.

If two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.
—Matthew 18:19

Will anybody out there on earth agree with me that I should have a dune buggy?

There be some standing here, which shall not taste of death, till they see the Son of man coming in his kingdom.”
—Matthew 16:28

Some olive trees are over 2,000 years old, so Jesus may still have some time. (Tick, tock, Jesus!)

I will not be angry forever. —Jeremiah 3:12

Mine anger, it shall burn forever. —Jeremiah 17:4

One of these promises is sure to come true!

All these people died still believing what God had promised them. They did not receive what was promised.
—Hebrews 11:13

Ouch! Thanks, Bible, for calling us all suckers!

It’s one thing to point out the irresponsible preaching of Bryan Fischer (who by the way is the only Christian who’s Christian enough to call for the stoning of a killer whale).

(This is also the guy who “proved” America is a Christian nation because it sells bacon! You don’t have to be much smarter than a canned ham to comprehend that it only proves that we’re a salted-and-cured-pork-product-loving nation.)

But more importantly, understanding the false promises of the Bible could give people a healthier perspective on a wide range of issues, from childbearing and handling snakes to the power (or not) of prayer and land wars in the Middle East.

Maybe if we got two people together who would agree to ask for peace in the Middle East…it’s just so crazy it might not work!

Michael Morris is the author of Bible Funmentionables: A Lighthearted Look at the Wildest Verses You’ve NEVER Been Told!, which features all of the shocking and hilarious verses that your minister, rabbi, or charismatic cult leader is afraid to preach.

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6 thoughts on “The Bible’s Long, Proud History of God’s Broken Promises

  1. this is a very stupid way of thinking. the devil is a liar. he is the father of lies.lying is his native language and liars are his sons. woe unto anybody who causes the little ones who believe in God to son. it would be better if a large milestone was hanged on his neck and thrown into the sea. I don’t understand why you are wasting time trying to prove God’s a liar if you don’t believe in him. and that verse Hebrews 11 13 part is clear that you function like the devil, just quoting one verse to mislead everybody. why didn’t you quote the whole chapter. letme quote it for you. Hebrews 11:13-16 New International Version (NIV)
    All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.
    stop misleading Yahwe’s little ones. He created you and you will be answerable to Him and only Him. and just because you wish Him away so you can live the wicked life without consequences won’t make Him to cease existing. I hope like Saul Christ and became Paul, you too will be saved and use your God given brain to bring more people to Him. wish you success.

    • Why spend time pointing out the irrationality of religion? Fair question.
      I grew up surrounded by religion, being expected to learn and believe everything the church taught. After years and years of careful study and consideration, I realized it’s all made up. There is no God. It’s all people wanting it to be so, because it makes them feel better.
      Therefore, all those years of religious study and practice were a waste of time and energy. So if I can help people see that Bible literalism is a horrible way to understand the world as it actually is, then I’m happy to help.
      For example, blaming the devil (for just about anything) is such an intellectually lazy way to explain why God allows bad things to happen. God could stop my blog in a second, if he existed. I doubt he’s wrestling the devil over my blog and losing every round.
      As to taking the Bible out of context, the context is all there in the Bible. Everyone has access to it. When people complain about context, it’s usually because they want us to use their pastor’s interpretation of that verse. When your scripture doesn’t mean what it says, but rather what your preacher says it means, you have a poorly written scripture. I prefer my divinely inspired writings that AREN’T open to multiple interpretations. #Sad.

  2. The Lord will not allow a righteous person to starve.
    —Proverbs 10:3

    This verse is speaking in a totally spiritual sense, all of these verses are horribly misrepresented by the author because he is not a believer. He does not read the bible through the lense of God because God is not with him. I challenge him to study the history and credibility of the Bible with true diligence perhaps seriously reading it for one year. The bible is a supernatural book that is irresitable all this man proves in his post is he has never given God a fair trial or his word a serious look. Critisisms from that perspective are weak and cheap and everbody knows it.

    I challenge this man to debate Kent Hovin with his position on creation and other aspects of reality. He will be made a fool. The writer and creator of this page will one day stand horrified (unless he loves Jesus and accepts Him) The horror that tears through him he will never forget as he descends into eternal flames.

    You see all he does is put out of mind what happens when he dies, its a fact he fears it so he avoids it. Or believes absolutely ridiculous positions such as big bang. Did you know recently the have been finding planets orbiting stars where the larger planets are outside of smaller ones orbiting. This is crippling to the argument of chaos bringing forth order as he must pro-port. The planets on the inside are supposed to be biggest because that is where the strongest source of gravity is to draw them in and create them through dust and gas collecting. One of very many.

    I encourage anyone reading this to give Jesus a fair trial. YOU WILL DEAL WITH MY LORD JESUS IN THIS LIFE OR THE NEXT BUT MY FRIEND I TELL YOU THE TRUTH YOU WILL DEAL WITH HIM. HE PROTECTS YOU NOW WILL YOU BREATH THE AIR HE FIRST BREATHED INTO ADAM BUT WHEN THAT IS DONE YOU WILL FACE THE CURSE OF NOT ACCEPTING HIS FREE LOVE GIFT. AND ALL OF CREATION WILL SEE YOUR SHAME AS YOU ARE CONDEMEMED TO HELL IT WILL BE THE MOST EMBERRASING CIRCUMSTANCE IMAGINABLE. THE BIBLE TALKS ABOUT BEING ASHAMED IN THE AFTER LIFE OFTEN.
    I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH GO SEARCH OUT YOUR DOUBTS GOD HAS PROVEN HIS CASE BEYOND A REASONABLE DOUBT SATAN HAS NOT. JESUS WILL SHOW YOU JUST GIVE HIM HIS DAY IN COURT. DONT BE AS THE PEOPLE THAT FIRST GAVE HIM A UNFAIR TRIAL AND PINNED HIM ON A CROSS. MY LORD LOVES YOU SO MUCH JESUS CALLS YOU EVEN NOW AS YOU READ THIS. I COREY AM HIS. IT IS THE GREATEST LOVE STORY EVER TOLD EACH AND EVERY CHRISTIAN IS.

    SATAN LONGS TO HIDE THIS FACT FROM YOU. BEING A CHRISTIAN IS FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOUR CREATOR.

    I HAVE PRAYED FOR ANYONE THAT READS THIS TO HAVE THERE MIND OPENED I AM SURE HE WILL ANSWER HIS CHILD HE ALWAYS DOES.

    P.S.
    SINCE ACCEPING CHRIST MY FINANCES HAVE NEARLY QUADRUPLED. TRUE STORY ILL PROVE IT TOO EMAIL ME.

    • Yeah, I did spend a year reading the entire Bible. The result was my book Bible Funmentionables. I understand that by approaching the Bible with the intent to explain away all the horribleness and nonsense, you can convince yourself that it’s wonderful. And that every grotesque thing that happens in it actually means something wonderful when explained by your pastor. If that’s how you want to believe, that’s your business. God/Jesus had plenty of my youth to convince me that they existed, but all my religious study and reading the Bible convinced me of just the opposite. I’d be happy to send you a copy of my book, if you promise to read it with an open mind.
      Thanks for commenting. Sorry it took me a while to get back to you.

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