Throw a Reporter “Off This F—ing Balcony” Day

BalconyAN OPEN LETTER TO THE CONGRESS OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

On January 28, 2014, Representative Michael Grimm (R-NY-11) issued a direct verbal threat to a reporter inside the Capitol building by saying “I’ll break you in half” and “throw you off this f—ing balcony,” which was a direct violation of D.C. law (District of Columbia Official Code, Division IV, Title 22, Subtitle I, Chapter 4, § 22-407).

Threats to do bodily harm.

Whoever is convicted in the District of threats to do bodily harm shall be fined not more than $ 500 or imprisoned not more than 6 months, or both, and, in addition thereto, or in lieu thereof, may be required to give bond to keep the peace for a period not exceeding 1 year.

Rep. Grimm was never arrested for his actions, and Congress has taken no punitive action against him. By its inaction, the US Congress is essentially condoning a Congressperson’s right to threaten to kill average Americans, though conversely, when average Americans threaten the life of a public official, they are prosecuted to the full extent of the law. In keeping with this double standard and to codify for all time this special status, I propose the following:

RESOLUTION

Expressing support for designation of January 28, annually, as “Throw a Reporter “Off This F—ing Balcony” Day”.

Whereas Rep. Michael Grimm (R-NY-11) has never been expelled, censured, or even reprimanded by Congress after he threatened to kill a reporter who displeased him by throwing the reporter off a balcony inside the Capitol and to break the reporter in half: Now, therefore, be it

Resolved by the House of Representatives, that Congress–

(1) decrees the designation of “Throw a Reporter ‘Off This F—ing Balcony’ Day” (also known as “Break a Boy in Half Day”);

(2) allows, and indeed encourages, each Congressperson to threaten to do bodily harm up to and including death threats to any one (1) reporter or other American citizen or resident alien who displeases the Congressperson;

(3) denies the right to make such threats to another Congressperson or member of the current power structure including influential or potentially influential staffers, donors, lobbyists, or government contractors. Making threats on any day of the year outside of January 28th is forbidden and may result in having to issue an “If I offended anyone…” type of half-assed apology; and

(4) establishes that no Congressperson shall ever be expelled, censured, reprimanded, in any way criticized, or given the evil eye for threatening to kill a reporter who would have the gall to ask a difficult question that might actually help inform the voting public.

Please sign the White House petition to bring this issue to their attention.

As this is the Bible Funmentionables blog, I offer the following passages which lend biblical support to the idea of breaking your enemies and throwing them down to their deaths. (illustrating the Bible Funmentionables’ Core Principle #5: In American politics, nothing trumps a well reasoned political argument like a quote from the Bible.)

Break the arm of the wicked and evil man. —Psalm 10:15

And Indian burns to the mischievous.

I will break you in pieces, and ye shall fall like a pleasant vessel. —Jeremiah 25:34

Questionable translations make for the most perplexing analogies.

The army of Judah captured another 10,000 men and took them to the top of a cliff and threw them off, dashing them to pieces on the rocks below. —2 Chronicles 25:12

At some point wouldn’t they not be landing on rocks anymore?

Throw her down!” Jehu yelled. So they threw Jezebel out the window, and her blood spattered against the wall and on the horses and Jehu trampled her body under his horses’ hooves. —2 Kings 9:33

The Bible rarely leaves out a pointlessly gory detail.

When the dragon saw that he was thrown down to the earth, he persecuted the woman who gave birth to the boy. Two wings of the great eagle were given to the woman, that she might fly into the wilderness to her place, so that she might be nourished for a time, and times, and half a time, from the face of the serpent. —Revelation 12:13-14

The book of Revelation probably made sense once upon a time, and times, or maybe it was just half a time.

Now I have always been reluctant to believe that we have what you would call a Ruling Class in this country—a political establishment that is collectively more concerned about holding on to their own positions of power and sources of wealth than they are about the welfare of the country as a whole. When a reporter can be given a death threat by a sitting a Congressman annoyed by his question (in the Capitol and with cameras rolling, for God’s sake!) and there is no official reprimand, it begs the question: Do we now have an American Ruling Class that prefers to operate by its own set of rules, that expects not to be held accountable by an inquiring press, and that is more responsive to the needs of big money donors which keep the Ruling Class in power than to average Americans?

The answer to that question is revealed daily by the actions and inactions of those in power.

Please Sign the Petition here!

Michael Morris is the author of Bible Funmentionables: A Lighthearted Look at the Wildest Verses You’ve NEVER Been Told!, which features all of the shocking and hilarious verses that your minister, rabbi, or charismatic cult leader is afraid to preach.