Radio preacher Bryan Fischer wants us all to relax about the impact of climate change because God promised not to wipe us out ever again!
Who can forget when this all-loving, though at times lethally capricious, God decide it was a great idea to wipe all but eight of us out:
And the Lord said, “I will destroy man, whom I have created, from the face of the earth.”—Genesis 6:7
But God would never change his mind and destroy us all again, right? We have his word:
Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, then I will remember my covenant with you and with all living creatures of all kinds. Never again will the waters become a flood and destroy all living things. —Genesis 9:14-15
So Bryan Fischer tells us that rainbows prove that sea levels won’t disastrously rise.
The Bible is full of all sorts of promises. Before we take comfort in God’s rainbow reassurance, let’s see how reliable other Bible promises have proven to be.
In the same day the Lord made a covenant with Abram, saying, “Unto thy seed have I given this land, from the river of Egypt unto the great river, the river Euphrates.”
Yeah, about that…God now regrets overpromising the land of Egypt, Lebanon, Jordan, Syria, and Iraq which he technically didn’t own at the time.
I will make Egypt the most desolate country in the world. For 40 years Egypt’s cities will lie in ruins. They will be ruined more than any other city. —Ezekiel 29:12
Never happened. And yes, there are more desolate countries.
God bringeth to nought the designs of the malignant.
The Lord will not allow a righteous person to starve.
If women go on in faith and love and holy self-control, she will be kept safe at the time of childbirth. —1 Timothy 2:12,15
If there is poison in their drink, it will do them no evil. They will put their hands on those who are ill, and they will get well. —Mark 16:17-18
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
You may not have noticed, but the meek are still waiting. One day they may get the courage to hire a good lawyer and then we’ll finally hear their demands for this unfulfilled promise.
If two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.
Will anybody out there on earth agree with me that I should have a dune buggy?
There be some standing here, which shall not taste of death, till they see the Son of man coming in his kingdom.”
Some olive trees are over 2,000 years old, so Jesus may still have some time. (Tick, tock, Jesus!)
I will not be angry forever. —Jeremiah 3:12
Mine anger, it shall burn forever. —Jeremiah 17:4
One of these promises is sure to come true!
All these people died still believing what God had promised them. They did not receive what was promised.
Ouch! Thanks, Bible, for calling us all suckers!
It’s one thing to point out the irresponsible preaching of Bryan Fischer (who by the way is the only Christian who’s Christian enough to call for the stoning of a killer whale).
(This is also the guy who “proved” America is a Christian nation because it sells bacon! You don’t have to be much smarter than a canned ham to comprehend that it only proves that we’re a salted-and-cured-pork-product-loving nation.)
But more importantly, understanding the false promises of the Bible could give people a healthier perspective on a wide range of issues, from childbearing and handling snakes to the power (or not) of prayer and land wars in the Middle East.
Maybe if we got two people together who would agree to ask for peace in the Middle East…it’s just so crazy it might not work!
Michael Morris is the author of Bible Funmentionables: A Lighthearted Look at the Wildest Verses You’ve NEVER Been Told!, which features all of the shocking and hilarious verses that your minister, rabbi, or charismatic cult leader is afraid to preach.