The Fundamentalists’ Science Class: Putting the Moron in Oxymoron

superintendent_chalmers_on_god_by_fiskefyren-d6niqe2Religion-based science classes sound like something you might find in rural Saudi Arabia or Pakistan…or North Carolina, U.S.A.

Public schools in Rowan County, NC have gotten help from Pastor Doug Hefner in teaching elementary school kids that the Earth was created in seven days and that the Bible has predicted scientific breakthoughs.

If only the Bible had included instructions on how to construct a simple microscope or even hinted at a non-geocentric universe! Instead the Bible has given us these scientifically dubious gems:

The kingdom of heaven is like a grain of mustard seed which a man took and put in his field, which is smaller than all seeds. —Matthew 13:31

People do set high expectations on their Messiah of choice, but Jesus would be the first to admit that he was a carpenter and was not speaking as an expert in botany.

In this zoology lesson we learn that when goats mate in front of striped tree bark, they have spotted offspring:

Jacob placed the striped branches in all the watering troughs, so that they would be directly in front of the flocks when they came to drink. When the flocks were in heat and came to drink, they mated in front of the branches, and they bore young that were streaked, or speckled, or spotted. —Genesis 30:37-39

What should you do when you are bitten by a venomous snake? Consult the Bible:

And Moses made a serpent of brass, and put it upon a pole, and it came to pass, that if a serpent had bitten any man, when he beheld the serpent of brass, he was made well. —Numbers 21:9

Now about those seven days of creation, is anybody else bothered that God created all those sun-dependent plants a day before he made the sun?

The earth brought forth grass, herbs yielding seed after their kind, and trees bearing fruit with its seed in it, after their kind, and God saw that it was good. There was evening, and there was morning, a third day.

God made the two great lights: the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night. He also made the stars. There was evening, and there was morning, a fourth day. —Genesis 1:12-13,16,19

And lastly (though there are plenty more examples I’ll save for another time) here’s one Bible quote that has actually killed people, many of them being defenseless children who receive inadequate medical care from Bible-deluded parents who probably meant well:

And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick.
—James 5:15

Pastor Doug proudly defends his Bible-based science class as being scientifically valid by declaring, “I think this program dates back to the 60s.” Sadly, he is absolutely correct that he is teaching the youth of North Carolina science from the 60s. But not from the 1960s. From the 60s.

Michael Morris is the author of Bible Funmentionables: A Lighthearted Look at the Wildest Verses You’ve NEVER Been Told!, which features all of the shocking and hilarious verses that your minister, rabbi, or charismatic cult leader is afraid to preach.